Funny Quotes
Famous Quotes Funny Quotes
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.- e. e. cummings
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
- Sam Levenson
Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them.
- Unknown
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
- Jack Benny
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
- Gracie Allen
Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.
- George Burns
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
- Bob Hope
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either.
- Dick Cavett
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
- Dave Barry
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness', but it doesn't work.
- Gallagher
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
- Mel Brooks
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks
I'm a man of the world, Andy. Why, I've even been to Raleigh!
- Deputy Barney Fife (Don Knotts on the Andy Griffith Show)
The difference between man and animals is that we don't use our tongue to clean our genitals.
- Rimmer - Red Dwarf
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
- David Brenner
I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
- Unknown
Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he would have lost.
- Mort Sahl
Life is a game, whoever has the most money at the end wins
- Danny Devito